I was the luckiest girl in the world. I couldn’t wipe the smile of my face as I glanced in the mirror and assessed my made up face. I giggled as I tried to recall the last evening I spent in my own abode. I came up with a blank. The tingle on my lips and toes prompted my memory from the previous evening; dinner, followed by live music and wine, and an inability to keep our clothes on as soon as we closed his apartment door. I sighed as I rummaged through my toiletries bag. The feeling of trepidation built in the pit of my stomach. I yanked each item out of the toiletries bag. Somehow I knew my hairbrush was not there. I glared at the production line of makeup and moisturisers on the vanity. “Damn it!” I said to myself. Suddenly I recall my last encounter with the said hairbrush. I clearly pictured the exact spot my hairbrush laid dormant on my dresser like an Icelandic volcano. I glanced in the mirror at my once shiny straight style of last night now flailed around my ears and frizzed around the top of my head in a vigorous attempt at a human’s birds nest. My colleagues would take one look at me and know what I had been up to last night. I forced my fingers through the stressed deadlocks to form a topknot at the top of my head as I giggled once again.

Living in transit had its perks; toe curling kisses and those precious moments when he guided my head into his chest and made my cheek snuggle into his chest, like we were made for each other. There were also those times I yearned for my own bed and shower. And yet, I feel so blessed to know we were on the same page about our future. The expiration date of this transit life was in 6 months.

The Stages of Grief in Modern Dating Life

I just wanted this, with HIM, to be over. I stared straight ahead, my hand on the keys dangling from the ignition. It was if I was being choked by paralytic emotion; not being able to speak or do anything. The uncertainty of not knowing if, or when, he will show up made my stomach drop. It seemed inevitable he would enter my life again. I felt powerless. I still did not know what I would do when he did show up. Multiple possible scenarios flicked before my eyes much like a wheel at a casino. Firstly, I pictured myself embracing him with affection and then almost felt myself slam the door in his face.

The idiosyncrasies of human emotion are like the weather here in Brisbane. We know there are four seasons that come and go like clockwork every year. Sometimes the depth and duration of a winter’s cold breath was longer and deeper than expected. At other times, a summer would spread across the other seasons, making Autumn and Spring feel like a mere whisper of what they could have been. We can always rely on the seasons to progress year after year, much like human emotions in the stages of grief.

The stages of grief are pretty straight forward when you think about it; anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969). Knowing such things in life about grief does not mean you are able to apply such knowledge when you are personally involved. Take myself for instance. Just because I am a well-educated professional with significant life experience, it does not mean I am fully able to apply such knowledge or stop my own paralytic grief. However, it does help me experience and understand emotion more than the average person. My uncanny ability to navigate these stages quickly and efficiently has increased due to the amount of times I have had to  experience grief and loss in my intimate relationships. It took me less than 4 weeks to do this with HIM again.

The denial appeared when I ignored his first text. The anger came when he didn’t respond, ghosted me and gaslighted me through his portrayal of familiarity and a possible future relationship. The narcissistic tendencies emerged further in the form of calling me crazy when I questioned his actions and statements.  The bargaining surfaced when I expressed my lack of desire to be with him if he continued to treat me terribly.

This current stage I found myself in, depression, was the hardest stage to work through. I was over feeling like this because of HIM. A car drove by and jolted me out of my misery. I sighed as I started the ignition and made a right hand turn towards home. I knew I had to let myself feel these human emotions so I could move forward to accept what is, and have faith in what will be. Somehow I was aware once I entered that final state of acceptance, I would be able to let go of these emotions, once and for all, and find my future life partner. Little did I know that once I did that, I was able to see what was around the corner; and by around the corner, I mean that absolutely literally!